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The Four Horsemen occasionally take their ride through most relationships. When the horsemen are running rampant, couples begin to believe that there is no way they can work out their problems. Couples start to separate themselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially hoping they can resolve their relationship problems somehow outside their marriage. There becomes drastic and detrimental changes in how we see our spouses positive and negative behaviors. I believe this is partly caused by couples believing the lie that society tells us that marriage is based on happiness and not on the foundational commitments that were made on the wedding day. If my spouse is not making me happy then I’m outta here! That statement is a whole other post waiting to happen that I will get to in the future.
When the relationship reaches this point of disconnectedness and isolation, it can involve what Dr. Gottman calls “flooding”. Dr. Gottman refers to flooding as when “you feel overwhelmed and disorganized by the way your partner expresses negativity. Couples can feel flooded by one another by the ways they express complaints. They get hypervigilant about negative things. The body of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals. It may be hard to breathe. Muscles tense and stay tensed. The heart beats fast and seems to beat harder.”
The thing is that once the heart-rate reaches 95-100 BPM adrenaline goes into action and the ability to listen and understand at a level needed to heal the relationship goes out the window. The term “fight or flight” is often used to characterize the circumstances under which adrenaline is released into the body.
So how do we break the cycle of these four horsemen so they don’t take our marriage down a path we don’t want to go? Dr. Gottman believes that repair attempts are a way to break the cycle of the four horsemen. Repair attempts involve talking about your communication styles and the negativity in the relationship. It requires making “I” statements that include variations of the structure, “I feel _______ when _______.” These blanks can be filled in with anything because they are your feelings and other cannot make us feel a certain way. We are in control of what we feel. The “I” statements takes the relationship out of attack mode and allows the couple to minimize the four horsemen. If I’m not blaming, then my criticisms are less, my spouse isn’t as defensive, contempt doesn’t creep in, and there is no need for the stonewalling. In all relationships, learning to accept rather that expect will help to create fewer disappointments and assist in lessening the negativity.
What Dr. Gottman and his colleagues found is that couples who maintain a ratio of five positive moments (interactions) to each negative moment have relationships that last. Marriages that fall below a one to one ratio (.8) usually fail. If we want to get the horsemen out of our marriage, we need to jump on a positive horse and get riding! I challenge you to take on the 5:1 ratio for one week in your marriage and see what happens. You might just be surprised and what changes you see happen when you get intentional in your marriage.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington says there are four attitudes which he has found to predict relationship failure. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When these attitudes are present in a relationship, especially when more than one is present, then there is a very good chance that the relationship will not survive. Here is a breakdown of those attitudes, give yourself an honest look at which one you have a tendency to play in your relationships (either married or dating).
- Criticism: Criticism is the fault finder or the one who judges unfavorably. When you criticize your partner, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making yourself right and your partner wrong. I refer to this as “Character Assassination”. When we criticize we use generalizations such as “you always…”, “you never…” and “you’re the type of person who …”
- Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of disdain or scorn. Contempt attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her. Typical contemptuous comments made by partners include insults and name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery as well as contemptuous body language and tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim and warding off a perceived attack. When partners are defensive they are not open to learning and are also not able to access the vulnerable feelings underneath. Some typical defensive responses are:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing.
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.
- Whining “It’s not fair.”
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. In the counseling setting I find that men are more prone to stonewall than women are, yet women can also stonewall in their own way. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness. Some typical stonewall responses are stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject and removing yourself physically. Stonewalling is considered to be the most “dangerous” of the four horsemen.
After taking a look at these attitudes, it is easy to see that they can be detrimental to the marriage relationship. If you are struggling with one or more of the above relationship attitudes, it is time to do something about it and get your relationships on a course for success.
Okay, so we all have expectations. Some are realistic and some are not. My wife should be this. My husband should be this. My children should be behaving differently. I should be farther along in my career by now. People who drive slow should stay out of the fast lane. Do any of these sound familiar?
In the book titled, The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher, there is a statement that has been helpful to me for years about the expectations that I have set in my life. The statement is “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” So many times I have referred back to this quote with much growth and understanding to follow.
Today, I heard another perspective on expectations. The perspective is a formula that says Expectations – Reality = Frustration. I started thinking about all of the times that I get frustrated for one reason or another and started to find this formula to be extremely accurate.
Frustrations in my marriage, in my business, in friendships and with my family have all been rooted in expectations that have not been upheld to my standards. I am the only person that can be accountable for my expectations and for my emotional responses or reactions to the standards not being met.
There is a freedom in setting healthy expectations in relationships. Make this a year of expecting realistically and accepting the reality of the situation. I believe it will add quality to your relationships!
This first step to handling anything is to acknowledge what is happening. Looking at any crisis from the perspective of “you cannot change or heal what you don’t acknowledge”, will help in the midst of crisis. At times and depending on the crisis, it may be difficult to understand what needs to be changed or healed, that is why some outside help is important to set yourself in a healthy direction with decisions.
If you are anything like me, it may be difficult to even get to a place where you can pinpoint what you are feeling. Looking at feelings as colors has been a helpful step for me. Feelings are like different colors, some are red, blue, green, yellow, orange, black. They are not right or wrong. They do not determine who you are. They are just a byproduct of the situation at hand.
Men usually have a hard time with expressing what feelings they are feeling. Women on the other hand have an easier time with the expression of feelings. Women have four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of their brain. This finding provides physical evidence that supports the observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain. Women can focus on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems through multiple activities at a time.
So what are you feeling during the crisis at hand? Are your feelings controlling you? Allow yourself to express what is going on with you right now. Remember, there are no right or wrong feelings; anything goes, just allow yourself to express what is going on with you.
A mentor told me this phrase a long time ago and I have referred to it in many situations that I have found myself in throughout my life. This phrase is “Talent and Charisma will get you to the top, Character will keep you there.”
In the midst of the Tiger scandal this phrase has been brought back to my attention. There is an intense lack of people looking at their character because it involves accountability. It may not always be comfortable to take off the mask and ask ourselves; what the heck am I doing? This lack of taking off the mask has resulted in a society that will continue embracing a tolerance that is extremely unhealthy.
As I have mentioned in an earlier post, we each have a desire inside of us for greatness. The more human greatness that is achieved by an individual results in a greater level of negative pull if that person is not grounded in something solid!
Have you taken a look at your moral values lately? It’s always good to take a look at where we are at in that area if we want to continue to grow in a healthy direction. Remember, we are always growing, we are either growing in a positive direction or a negative direction.
DE-STRESSING THE HOLIDAYS
Last night I presented on the topic of how to de-stress the holidays. In my research for the topic I found that the Top Stressors During the Holidays from multiple sources were:
- Relationships
- Relationships can be stressful and create turmoil in ones life. Also, facing the holidays without a loved one can be tough and add loneliness and sadness.
- Finances
- Added expenses of gifts, food, travel and entertainment can put a strain on your budget and you peace of mind. Also, overspending can create stress that is ongoing.
- Physical Stress
- Being exhausted with added chores and errands can increase ones stress level during the holidays.
It is important for us to understand how stress effects us mentally, physically and behaviorally. Each of us has our own sources of stress during the holidays. Here are some ways to help reduce the stress in your life this holiday season.
- Relationships
- Seek support. Lean on family, friends, religious or community organizations. Also, consider volunteering your time to help others.
- Set differences aside. Accept your family members for who they are.
Learn to say no. People will understand. You can’t do everything.
- Finances
- Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives:Donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange. It’s the relationships in our lives that are most important.
- Physical Stress
- Acknowledge your feelings. Whether you’re sad and lonely or frazzled and frustrated, let it out.
Be realistic. You can only do so much.
- Plan ahead. Schedule shopping, cooking and visiting so you don’t get caught in a last minute rush.
Don’t abandon healthy habits. Indulge in moderation.
- Take a breather. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, take some time for yourself.
- Seek support
- Talk about your anxiety with your friends and family. Getting things out in the open can help you navigate your feelings and work toward a solution for your stress. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consider seeing a professional to help you develop coping strategies and better manage your stress.
I was in Ontario, Oregon this morning listening to my friend Randy Howard give part of a sermon on adultery. An interesting part of the sermon that caught my attention was the comparison between the Swine Flu (H1N1) epidemic and divorce. With divorce rates, as staggering as they are, do not make the 10 o’clock news or the newspaper headlines. The television or radio cannot be turned on without witnessing a lead story about the number of H1N1 cases or the lack of vaccinations available to help the body resist contracting the H1N1 virus.
What about the body of people who need a vaccination for the virus that has invaded their homes? The virus of divorce! What is the solution to reducing the divorce rate among the body of people in our United States of America? I believe it is an intentional heart surgery. A heart surgery that plucks out the corruption that has taken place in the hearts of many people. Generations of pain that has been stuff down deep inside that it creates a virus that works from the inside out in us humans. It’s time to set down the shame, guilt, blame, and pain and start embracing the blessings that each of us has in this country we live in. Today, I choose to embrace the truth about me. The accepting, vulnerable, free man that God created me to be. When I stand in that truth, I pass on the Grace that has been given to me and give some medicine to fight the virus of divorce. I would like to see that on the 10 o’clock news.
It fills me up when I see a person connect with a time when they shut off their emotions. Whether it is parental disappointment or life circumstances that influences the shut down, those events begin to lose their power with the awareness that takes place. Everyone of us deserves to have experiences like this…and each time I experience it, I grow another step in freedom. Today I choose to embrace freedom.
So I have heard the song “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns many times and everytime that I hear it I see a little more of what takes place around me everyday. I have seen too many marriages come to a place where all of a sudden, or so it seems, the marriage ended up in a horrible place. I believe that it brings to light the awareness that everyone needs in order to have a successful, meaning life. The Chorus of the song so elequently puts it:
It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade
The littlest of behaviors, thoughts, ideas, values, beliefs and our daily way of doing life can send us in a direction where eventually we find ourselves lost and in a situation that we didn’t see coming. One degree off over a short distance is not very noticeable…over the course of 10, 20, 30 or more years of life and relationships…we can look back and wonder what happen to our direction.
So I encourage anyone that reads this to examine if their path is moving farther from morality or closer to morality in all areas of life. What am I reading? What am I watching? Who am I listening to? Where am I going? How am I acting? What agreement am I making? What agreements am I breaking? All of these questions are important for our daily walk in life. I believe that truly successful people are examing these questions and more to be the most effective as possible.
I was reminded this past week, while I was leading a Focus Seminar in Boise, Idaho, the amazing strength and power in a community that stays connected with each other. I believe that people everywhere are looking for a connection with others and desire a community of support. The thing that gets in the way of that connection are barriers that are created out of fear. When we get serious at knocking down these barriers we allow ourselves to connect in a powerful way. What barriers are you facing and what are you doing to get them out of the way?
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