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Okay, so we all have expectations. Some are realistic and some are not. My wife should be this. My husband should be this. My children should be behaving differently. I should be farther along in my career by now. People who drive slow should stay out of the fast lane. Do any of these sound familiar?
In the book titled, The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher, there is a statement that has been helpful to me for years about the expectations that I have set in my life. The statement is “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” So many times I have referred back to this quote with much growth and understanding to follow.
Today, I heard another perspective on expectations. The perspective is a formula that says Expectations – Reality = Frustration. I started thinking about all of the times that I get frustrated for one reason or another and started to find this formula to be extremely accurate.
Frustrations in my marriage, in my business, in friendships and with my family have all been rooted in expectations that have not been upheld to my standards. I am the only person that can be accountable for my expectations and for my emotional responses or reactions to the standards not being met.
There is a freedom in setting healthy expectations in relationships. Make this a year of expecting realistically and accepting the reality of the situation. I believe it will add quality to your relationships!
This first step to handling anything is to acknowledge what is happening. Looking at any crisis from the perspective of “you cannot change or heal what you don’t acknowledge”, will help in the midst of crisis. At times and depending on the crisis, it may be difficult to understand what needs to be changed or healed, that is why some outside help is important to set yourself in a healthy direction with decisions.
If you are anything like me, it may be difficult to even get to a place where you can pinpoint what you are feeling. Looking at feelings as colors has been a helpful step for me. Feelings are like different colors, some are red, blue, green, yellow, orange, black. They are not right or wrong. They do not determine who you are. They are just a byproduct of the situation at hand.
Men usually have a hard time with expressing what feelings they are feeling. Women on the other hand have an easier time with the expression of feelings. Women have four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of their brain. This finding provides physical evidence that supports the observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain. Women can focus on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems through multiple activities at a time.
So what are you feeling during the crisis at hand? Are your feelings controlling you? Allow yourself to express what is going on with you right now. Remember, there are no right or wrong feelings; anything goes, just allow yourself to express what is going on with you.
A mentor told me this phrase a long time ago and I have referred to it in many situations that I have found myself in throughout my life. This phrase is “Talent and Charisma will get you to the top, Character will keep you there.”
In the midst of the Tiger scandal this phrase has been brought back to my attention. There is an intense lack of people looking at their character because it involves accountability. It may not always be comfortable to take off the mask and ask ourselves; what the heck am I doing? This lack of taking off the mask has resulted in a society that will continue embracing a tolerance that is extremely unhealthy.
As I have mentioned in an earlier post, we each have a desire inside of us for greatness. The more human greatness that is achieved by an individual results in a greater level of negative pull if that person is not grounded in something solid!
Have you taken a look at your moral values lately? It’s always good to take a look at where we are at in that area if we want to continue to grow in a healthy direction. Remember, we are always growing, we are either growing in a positive direction or a negative direction.
DE-STRESSING THE HOLIDAYS
Last night I presented on the topic of how to de-stress the holidays. In my research for the topic I found that the Top Stressors During the Holidays from multiple sources were:
- Relationships
- Relationships can be stressful and create turmoil in ones life. Also, facing the holidays without a loved one can be tough and add loneliness and sadness.
- Finances
- Added expenses of gifts, food, travel and entertainment can put a strain on your budget and you peace of mind. Also, overspending can create stress that is ongoing.
- Physical Stress
- Being exhausted with added chores and errands can increase ones stress level during the holidays.
It is important for us to understand how stress effects us mentally, physically and behaviorally. Each of us has our own sources of stress during the holidays. Here are some ways to help reduce the stress in your life this holiday season.
- Relationships
- Seek support. Lean on family, friends, religious or community organizations. Also, consider volunteering your time to help others.
- Set differences aside. Accept your family members for who they are.
Learn to say no. People will understand. You can’t do everything.
- Finances
- Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don’t try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives:Donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange. It’s the relationships in our lives that are most important.
- Physical Stress
- Acknowledge your feelings. Whether you’re sad and lonely or frazzled and frustrated, let it out.
Be realistic. You can only do so much.
- Plan ahead. Schedule shopping, cooking and visiting so you don’t get caught in a last minute rush.
Don’t abandon healthy habits. Indulge in moderation.
- Take a breather. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, take some time for yourself.
- Seek support
- Talk about your anxiety with your friends and family. Getting things out in the open can help you navigate your feelings and work toward a solution for your stress. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consider seeing a professional to help you develop coping strategies and better manage your stress.
I was in Ontario, Oregon this morning listening to my friend Randy Howard give part of a sermon on adultery. An interesting part of the sermon that caught my attention was the comparison between the Swine Flu (H1N1) epidemic and divorce. With divorce rates, as staggering as they are, do not make the 10 o’clock news or the newspaper headlines. The television or radio cannot be turned on without witnessing a lead story about the number of H1N1 cases or the lack of vaccinations available to help the body resist contracting the H1N1 virus.
What about the body of people who need a vaccination for the virus that has invaded their homes? The virus of divorce! What is the solution to reducing the divorce rate among the body of people in our United States of America? I believe it is an intentional heart surgery. A heart surgery that plucks out the corruption that has taken place in the hearts of many people. Generations of pain that has been stuff down deep inside that it creates a virus that works from the inside out in us humans. It’s time to set down the shame, guilt, blame, and pain and start embracing the blessings that each of us has in this country we live in. Today, I choose to embrace the truth about me. The accepting, vulnerable, free man that God created me to be. When I stand in that truth, I pass on the Grace that has been given to me and give some medicine to fight the virus of divorce. I would like to see that on the 10 o’clock news.
It fills me up when I see a person connect with a time when they shut off their emotions. Whether it is parental disappointment or life circumstances that influences the shut down, those events begin to lose their power with the awareness that takes place. Everyone of us deserves to have experiences like this…and each time I experience it, I grow another step in freedom. Today I choose to embrace freedom.
So I have heard the song “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns many times and everytime that I hear it I see a little more of what takes place around me everyday. I have seen too many marriages come to a place where all of a sudden, or so it seems, the marriage ended up in a horrible place. I believe that it brings to light the awareness that everyone needs in order to have a successful, meaning life. The Chorus of the song so elequently puts it:
It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade
The littlest of behaviors, thoughts, ideas, values, beliefs and our daily way of doing life can send us in a direction where eventually we find ourselves lost and in a situation that we didn’t see coming. One degree off over a short distance is not very noticeable…over the course of 10, 20, 30 or more years of life and relationships…we can look back and wonder what happen to our direction.
So I encourage anyone that reads this to examine if their path is moving farther from morality or closer to morality in all areas of life. What am I reading? What am I watching? Who am I listening to? Where am I going? How am I acting? What agreement am I making? What agreements am I breaking? All of these questions are important for our daily walk in life. I believe that truly successful people are examing these questions and more to be the most effective as possible.
I was reminded this past week, while I was leading a Focus Seminar in Boise, Idaho, the amazing strength and power in a community that stays connected with each other. I believe that people everywhere are looking for a connection with others and desire a community of support. The thing that gets in the way of that connection are barriers that are created out of fear. When we get serious at knocking down these barriers we allow ourselves to connect in a powerful way. What barriers are you facing and what are you doing to get them out of the way?
What a great FAN night last night! Many of you have asked for a link to the video and wanting a copy of the PowerPoint used. You can find the video at http://www.personalgrowthcourses.net/video/best_dad.
You can find the PowerPoint here: http://www.bryanvignery.com/pdfs/Change-and-the-Power-of-Choice.xps
If you would like ot continue your growth process, feel free to contact Bryan today at (913) 568-8276 or fill out the contact form.
 Stepping out of the victim role and stepping into personal power is a choice that each of us has the opportunity to make when change takes place in our lives. When we learn how to set boundaries that empower personal power we start to create relationship that thrive.
I will suggest that most of us grow up without healthy boundaries in place. The key is “healthy”! There are many families that have boundaries but they are unclear to the rest of the family members. Maybe one day the boundary is one thing the next that boundary does not apply and there is another in its place.
I will be presenting on Change and the Power of Choice at the next FAN night at the Focus Seminars building on Tuesday April 7th from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. This is for Focus Graduates only so I encourage you to attend. If you would like more information about Focus and Living the Inspired Life, please visit http://www.focusseminar.com or call (816) 767-8600 for more details.
As a coach and a counselor, Bryan facilitates personal and organizational effectiveness. Mr. Vignery works with individuals, marriages and teams to empower growth, manage change and and reach a higher level of productivity and effectiveness. For more information about Bryan or if you are interested in his services, feel free to contact him for a free consultation.
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