Made for Community
We are connectors! We have all been given gifts that are to be used to bring people together in community. When we ignore our gifts we inhibit the flow of connection to each other.
What are your gifts? Are you a healer? Are you a leader? Are you a connector? It is important to identify your gifts so you can fulfill your call in life.
Each one of us plays an important role in our communities. Are you going to step into your role or allow fear to hold you back and rob you of passion? Step up today and embrace the gifts that God has given you.
Intentional New Year
As you embrace 2011 you deserve to be intentional in many areas of your life. One of the areas that I will challenge you in is your marriage. Whether you are married or engaged, your relationship needs time and attention in order to make it successful. Don’t miss this opportunity to examine the effectiveness of your marriage and start 2011 more connected and intimate with your spouse.
NAVIGATING MARRIAGE
INTENTIONAL CHOICES MARRIAGE CONFERENCE (download brochure)
Led by Marriage Coaches:
Bryan and Stephanie Vignery
Gary and Christy Kuzmich
Our mission is to assist couples to plot a course through intentional choices that result in action that empowers growth. Today’s marriages need intention more than ever before. With the divorce rate at approximately 50% percent for first marriages, 67% for second and 74% for third marriages, couples need to spend time looking at what is important in keeping marriage fresh and alive! We are committed to helping couples reach a new level of effectiveness in their marriage.
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CREATING AND SHARING A MAGNETIC MARRIAGE
Remember why you were attracted to your spouse? Was it magnetic? Today others are looking for radiant marriages that they can model. So what is the attraction power in a marriage? It is knowing who you are as an individual and being committed to a marriage vision and mission that creates radiance! Intentional marriages lead to a deeper level of intimacy and fulfillment that transcends and attracts.
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LOCATION
11100 Ash Street, Suite 100
Leawood, KS 66211
DATE
Friday November 19th 7pm – 10:30pm
Saturday November 20th 8:30am – 2:30pm
PRICE and AVAILABILITY
Conference Price $395 per couple.
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Merry Christmas!
I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and I hope that you and your family are Blessed this Holiday Season and may 2011 be full of growth!
Ineffective Responses to Conflict
The drama triangle (sometimes known as the victim triangle) is a model of dysfunctional social interaction, created by psychotherapist Stephen Karpman. The triangle consists of three ineffective, passive-aggressive responses to conflict. Participants playing a role in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and for others by playing either the Victim Role, Rescuer Role, or the Persecutor Role.
The three psychological roles (or roleplays) which people often take in a situation are as follows.
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- VICTIM – The person who is treated as, or accepts the role of, a victim. The play the “poor pitiful me” role. They:
- Feel victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
- They deny responsibility for their negative circumstances, and deny that they possess the power to change those circumstances.
- Look for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.
- If they stay in the Victim position, they will block themselves from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding
- maintain a “Dejected” stance.
- PERSECUTOR – The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim. The come from a stance of “It’s All Your Fault”. They will:
- Come from the “I’m Right” position
- Blame the Victims and criticize the enabling behavior of Rescuers
- Criticize
- Keep the Victim oppressed
- Be mobilized by anger
- Have a rigid, authoritative stance
- Act like the “Critical” Parent
- RESCUER, who intervenes out of an superficial wish to help the situation or the underdog. They play the “Let Me Help You” role very well. The rescuer will:
- Rescue the victim when they really don’t want to
- Neglect their own needs and give off the impression that they do not have needs.
- Feel guilty if they don’t come to the rescue.
- Keep the victim dependent upon them
- Give permission to fail
- Expect to fail in rescue attempts
- Act like the “Marshmallow” Parent
- VICTIM – The person who is treated as, or accepts the role of, a victim. The play the “poor pitiful me” role. They:
As the drama plays out, people may suddenly switch roles, or change tactics, and others will often switch unconsciously to match the opposing roles.
Example of the roles and how the players can switch positions:
A father arrives home for dinner 30-minutes late and is interrupted by a bicycle in the garage that is preventing him from pulling his car into his spot. He walks in the house and immediately starts to blame the kids (Victims) for leaving the bicycle in the garage instead of putting it away. (Persecutor) His blaming stance triggers the mom to step in and get between dad and the kids. (Rescuer) As she steps in she then she blames her husband and says that none of this would have happened is he would have more respect for her and the kids and not be late for dinner. (Persecutor) The husband then responds, “I’m just not appreciated around here for all of the work that I do to provide for this family.” (Victim) He turns around and goes back to the garage mumbling about how he is being treated and begins to put the bicycle away where it belongs (Victim). The child that left the bicycle in the garage, gets up from the dinner table and goes to the garage and helps dad clean up the mess and apologizes for being the one to blame that mom and dad are fighting. (Rescuer)
In order to get off of the Drama Triangle:
- The Rescuer needs to take responsibility for him/herself, connect with their power and acknowledge their vulnerability.
- The Victim needs to own their vulnerability and take responsibility for themselves and also recognize that they have power and are able to use it appropriately.
- The Persecutor needs initially to own their power, rather than be afraid of it or use it covertly.
Holiday Stress
Well whether we like it or not the holidays are right around the corner and that means Thanksgiving Dinners, Christmas parties, family visits, in-laws, children’s school functions, Christmas shopping, etc. Are you feeling stressed yet? Let’s look at some of the top stressors during the Holidays and the ways to reduce the stress that can normally happen around this season.
Top Stressors During the Holidays
- Relationships
- Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time, but tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify, especially while spending several days together in the same house.
- On the other hand, facing the holidays without a loved one can be tough and leave you feeling lonely and sad.
- Finances
- With the added expenses of gifts, travel, food and entertainment, the holidays can make a big impact on your budget. It also can impact your peace of mind and be a joy robber during the time of year where joy is to be embraced.
- Overspending can mean financial worries for months to come.
- Physical Stress
- Even the most excited holiday enthusiasts may find that the extra shopping and socializing can leave them wiped out. Being exhausted increases your stress, and creates a vicious cycle in your relationships. Exercise and sleep are good solutions for stress and fatigue and many times they may take a back seat to chores and errands. To top it off, exhaustion makes you more susceptible to colds and other health concerns.
Reducing Stress During the Holidays
- Relationships
- Seek support. Lean on family, friends, religious or community organizations. Also, consider volunteering your time to help others.
- Set differences aside. Accept your family members for who they are. Keep in mind that you are the only person that you can change.
- Learn to say no. People will understand. You can’t do everything. If they don’t understand, let them deal with their expectations instead of you trying to fix them.
- Finances
- Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend and then stick to your budget. Don’t go overboard with a multitude of gifts. Here are some alternatives you could try: Donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange. Keep in mind it’s the relationships in our lives that are most important.
- Physical Stress
- Acknowledge your feelings. Whether you’re sad and lonely or frazzled and frustrated, let it out.
- Be realistic. You can only do so much!
- Plan ahead. Schedule shopping, cooking and visiting so you don’t get caught in a last minute rush.
- Don’t abandon healthy habits. Indulge in moderation.
- Take a breather. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, take some time for yourself.
- Seek support
- Talk about your anxiety with your friends and family. Getting things out in the open can help you navigate your feelings and work toward a solution for your stress. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consider seeing a professional to help you develop coping strategies and better manage your stress.
Leaving a Legacy
I witnessed a first hand testimony of a young man in his early twenties that was caught in the middle of anger and frustration due to the possible separation of his parents. His parents reached the point of what they thought was no return three years ago in their marriage and the son, at that point, decided he didn’t like his parents too much nor did he respect them for disrupting his security of having parents that were together.
The reason that I tell this story is not to highlight what divorce or separation can do to kids, but to highlight intentional living by parents. You see, the mother in this situation decided to get some help and direction. Due to her taking action and being intentional, the father and their son ended up attending Focus Seminars. I witnessed them come from a level of disconnection to embracing each other with open communication and honesty that broke down the walls of anger and frustration in a matter of five days. It was heart warming see them then take that openness and honesty and connect it as a family with mom.
Five days of intentional motivation was all they needed to change the legacy of their family. It didn’t only change the family but the generations to come. Because parents decided to not let life beat them down any longer, they will cherish the fruits of not only a connected marriage but kids and grand-kids that will forever be changed.
This may or may not be your story. Regardless, I challenge you to put yourself in the middle of the situation that needs intentionality in your life right now. What is the first step that could be taken for you? Is someone important to you waiting for you to take the first step? Surround yourself with people that want you to succeed and lean on them through your burden. You have what it takes to push to the next level of effectiveness. Make it happen!
Time for a Couple Checkup?
You get your oil changed every 3,000 miles . . . you get your teeth cleaned at least once a year . . . you even get regular physical exams . . . Your marriage deserves a checkup too!
It is important to do a checkup of your marital or dating relationship to keep up with your relational demands. One of the areas of my coaching and counseling business has been focused on helping couples achieve an intentional relationship. A couple checkup is one of the most effective and intentional tools that I have found to take an insightful look at the key areas of your relationship including communication, conflict resolution, financial management, spiritual beliefs and more.
How does the Couple Checkup work?
- Contact me with you and your significant others email address, and for a special price of $29.95, a link will be provided for you and your significant other.
- Answer a few background questions about your relationship, allowing the Couple Checkup to be customized to your relationship stage (dating, engaged, or married) and structure (with or without children, forming a stepfamily, etc.).
- Spend 20-30 minutes reading through a series of statements and indicate whether you “agree” or “disagree” that each statement accurately describes your relationship.
- Your partner will also login and respond to the same statements.
Once you are both finished, the computer system analyzes your responses and immediately generates your comprehensive Couple Checkup Report (approximately 20 page PDF file). You can then setup time with me to go through the results of the assessment in detail either face-to-face or over Skype. Finally, you will receive an extensive Discussion Guide (PDF file) designed to help you discuss and apply your results.
The goals of a Couple Checkup are straightforward:
- Take an in depth look at your own relationship
- Begin to identify your relationship strengths and issues that need attention
- Be proactive. Don’t wait for problems to become serious before dealing with them
- Spur on productive and insightful conversation that leads to action and change
Discover - Taking an online relationship inventory and generating your Couple Checkup Report will peak your curiosity. As you explore your results, you and your partner will discover your strengths and issues. You’ll see where you agree and disagree as you gain insight into one another’s perceptions of your relationship. You need to know where you’re starting from so you can chart a course for where you want to go.
Share - A key to any great relationship is communication. But how do you bring up the difficult topics? How do you create a safe environment for open discussion? The topics covered in the Couple Checkup help generate productive conversations you wouldn’t otherwise have; conversations that apply specifically to your relationship.
Grow - Each couple going through the Couple Checkup process has access to a free Discussion Guide. This workbook is filled with easy to use exercises designed to introduce new skills and facilitate discussions that will help you move from insight to action.
Thought and Character
I came across a little book called “As A Man Thinketh”, by James Allen. James Allen is partly responsible for launching an entire self-improvement industry starting back in late 1800′s. His thoughts that are captured in what he called his “little volume” are inspiring and thought provoking.
Right out of the gate of his book I found the following passage that loaded with insight that I believe we could all use as the foundation of our lives.
As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought, and could not have appeared without them. This applies equally to those acts called “spontaneous” and “unpremeditated” as to those which are deliberately executed.
Act is the blossom of thought, and joy and suffering are its fruit; thus does a man garner in the sweet and bitter fruitage of his own husbandry.
As I processed these two paragraphs I found a lot of clarity about actions that are made in life. This statement significantly impressed me; “every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought”. What are the hidden seeds of thought that keep producing seeds of suffering for you?
The seeds of thoughts (beliefs) grow over time and become roots that reach deep into the soil of your life. Those roots support the branches of character (values). The branches produce the fruit in our lives. What kind of fruit do you want in your life? If you are not seeing the desired fruit around you, there are some thoughts (beliefs) that need some help!
James goes on to make the following point:
Cause and effect are as absolute and undeviating in the hidden realm of thought as in the world of visible and material things. A noble and God-like character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort of right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with God-like thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of groveling thoughts.
It takes more than just the positive thinking that some will practice. It takes the effort of modifying the core thoughts (beliefs) to eradicate the “ignoble and bestial character” and embrace the God-like character that I believe we all desire, whether we give God the credit or not. Take some time this week to challenge your thoughts (beliefs) that are creating suffering…and remember, we all were created for joy!
For those of you who are like me and are not sure what the word husbandry means, here is the definition: the cultivation and production of edible crops or of animals for food; agriculture; farming.
Creative Communication (Part 2)
Empowerment Language is used to self-empower rather than self-sabotage. Making statements based on TRUTH (self-empowerment) rather than LIES (self-sabotage) opens the creative process. When we use Empowerment Language it creates a solution model rather than a permission model.
Permission Model
* Muted tone of voice and distant
* Closed and ashamed body language
* Soft and sporadic eye contact
* Doubtful and weak attitude
When a person is working from the Permission Model, they are working from the victim role. They are looking through the typical glasses or lenses that haven’t been challenged. The Permission Model creates a set of behaviors that are not working for the individual. It is like running into walls time after time, all day long.
In the Victim Role, a person has Blind Spots that are getting in their way, they have a tendency to Blame Others, they get stuck in the “I Can’t” Excuses, and they sit for a period of time in the Wait and Hope mode of life. The “Whoa is me!” attitude.
When you are working from the Permission Model, what do YOU create in your life?
Solution Model
* Strong and direct tone of voice that is convincing to self and others
* Body language that is tall and proud and communicates confidence
* Firm and continuous eye contact that ensures security
* Confirming and believable attitude
Working from the Solution Model, you are creating a new set of behaviors and communication that are working for you. Let’s call it the Behavioral Method. The Behavioral Method is a specific structure of external and internal experiences, which consistently produces a specific behavioral result. It is when your thoughts, communication, and your behaviors are congruent. This would be working from the Accountability Role.
In the Accountability Roles, there is an Acknowledgment of Reality, the person will Own It the situation and their own part in it, they will Find Solutions to the situation and they they will GIG IT (Get It Going).
When you are working from the Solution Model, what do YOU create in you life?
Creative Communication – (Part 1)
Last night a gave a presentation to a group of Focus Seminar graduates entitled “Creative Communication”. It seems that every time I talk about communication I have some more insight of how to grow through effective communication so I wanted to share some of it with whomever takes the time to read this blog.
Based on a study of communication at the University of Pennsylvania in 1970 (Kinesics and Communication, R. Birdwhistle), the researchers determined that in communication, 7% of what we communicate is the result of the words that we say, or the content of our communication. 38% of our communication to others is a result of our verbal behavior, which includes tone of voice, timbre, tempo, and volume. 55% of our communication to others is a result of our nonverbal communication, our body posture, breathing, skin color and our movement. The match between our verbal and non-verbal communication indicates the level of congruency.
These research results has always astounded me when I think about the way that I communicate on a daily basis. Is also has helped me identify the areas where I run into conflict with my communication. It all goes back to the way that I filter and process events that are taking place around me. If we are not careful, we will filter and process the events based upon experiences of the past and the result ends up being less than desirable.
The illustration to the right represents how we process the information that comes into us from the outside. An event takes place and is observed through the five senses. The event is then taken through an internal process that can skew and distort the event itself. We then respond with communication and behaviors.
The first filter is the BELIEF SYSTEM. These are the generalizations about how the world is. Those beliefs that back you in a corner and fail at allowing you to see from a new point of view. This belief system contains the values that you hold in high regard. Beliefs are the assumptions that we hold about the way the world is that either empower or destroy our perspective. Beliefs are essentially our ability to create what we want in the world. In the process of working with someone’s beliefs, it is important to find out what beliefs cause you to do what you do. We also want to find out the disabling beliefs, the ones that do not allow you to do what you want to do.
The JUDGMENT filter is based upon the values we hold in high regard. This includes judgment of the event, person, and self.
As information is filtered through the belief system and judged, it is EVALUATED based upon the filter.
RESPONSES may create beliefs, or may just affect our perceptions through time. Some of our responses are unconsciously made based upon previous experiences. Our responses can be made up of the defense mechanisms that can get in our way. Our response puts us in a certain state. The state in which we find ourselves, will determine our emotional reaction and behavioral reaction.
What were some of your beliefs, judgments, evaluations or responses that get in your way of life?