Archive for the ‘Marraige’ Category

Okay, so we all have expectations. Some are realistic and some are not. My wife should be this. My husband should be this. My children should be behaving differently. I should be farther along in my career by now. People who drive slow should stay out of the fast lane. Do any of these sound familiar?

In the book titled, The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher, there is a statement that has been helpful to me for years about the expectations that I have set in my life. The statement is “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” So many times I have referred back to this quote with much growth and understanding to follow.

Today, I heard another perspective on expectations. The perspective is a formula that says Expectations – Reality = Frustration. I started thinking about all of the times that I get frustrated for one reason or another and started to find this formula to be extremely accurate.

Frustrations in my marriage, in my business, in friendships and with my family have all been rooted in expectations that have not been upheld to my standards. I am the only person that can be accountable for my expectations and for my emotional responses or reactions to the standards not being met.

There is a freedom in setting healthy expectations in relationships. Make this a year of expecting realistically and accepting the reality of the situation. I believe it will add quality to your relationships!

A mentor told me this phrase a long time ago and I have referred to it in many situations that I have found myself in throughout my life. This phrase is “Talent and Charisma will get you to the top, Character will keep you there.”

In the midst of the Tiger scandal this phrase has been brought back to my attention. There is an intense lack of people looking at their character because it involves accountability. It may not always be comfortable to take off the mask and ask ourselves; what the heck am I doing? This lack of taking off the mask has resulted in a society that will continue embracing a tolerance that is extremely unhealthy.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, we each have a desire inside of us for greatness. The more human greatness that is achieved by an individual results in a greater level of negative pull if that person is not grounded in something solid!

Have you taken a look at your moral values lately? It’s always good to take a look at where we are at in that area if we want to continue to grow in a healthy direction. Remember, we are always growing, we are either growing in a positive direction or a negative direction.

I was in Ontario, Oregon this morning listening to my friend Randy Howard give part of a sermon on adultery. An interesting part of the sermon that caught my attention was the comparison between the Swine Flu (H1N1) epidemic and divorce. With divorce rates, as staggering as they are, do not make the 10 o’clock news or the newspaper headlines. The television or radio cannot be turned on without witnessing a lead story about the number of H1N1 cases or the lack of vaccinations available to help the body resist contracting the H1N1 virus.

What about the body of people who need a vaccination for the virus that has invaded their homes? The virus of divorce! What is the solution to reducing the divorce rate among the body of people in our United States of America? I believe it is an intentional heart surgery. A heart surgery that plucks out the corruption that has taken place in the hearts of many people. Generations of pain that has been stuff down deep inside that it creates a virus that works from the inside out in us humans. It’s time to set down the shame, guilt, blame, and pain and start embracing the blessings that each of us has in this country we live in. Today, I choose to embrace the truth about me. The accepting, vulnerable, free man that God created me to be. When I stand in that truth, I pass on the Grace that has been given to me and give some medicine to fight the virus of divorce. I would like to see that on the 10 o’clock news.

So I have heard the song “Slow Fade” by Casting Crowns many times and everytime that I hear it I see a little more of what takes place around me everyday. I have seen too many marriages come to a place where all of a sudden, or so it seems, the marriage ended up in a horrible place. I believe that it brings to light the awareness that everyone needs in order to have a successful, meaning life. The Chorus of the song so elequently puts it:

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade

The littlest of behaviors, thoughts, ideas, values, beliefs and our daily way of doing life can send us in a direction where eventually we find ourselves lost and in a situation that we didn’t see coming. One degree off over a short distance is not very noticeable…over the course of 10, 20, 30 or more years of life and relationships…we can look back and wonder what happen to our direction.

So I encourage anyone that reads this to examine if their path is moving farther from morality or closer to morality in all areas of life. What am I reading? What am I watching? Who am I listening to? Where am I going? How am I acting? What agreement am I making? What agreements am I breaking? All of these questions are important for our daily walk in life. I believe that truly successful people are examing these questions and more to be the most effective as possible.

Stepping out of the victim role and stepping into personal power is a choice that each of us has the opportunity to make when change takes place in our lives. When we learn how to set boundaries that empower personal power we start to create relationship that thrive.

I will suggest that most of us grow up without healthy boundaries in place. The key is “healthy”! There are many families that have boundaries but they are unclear to the rest of the family members. Maybe one day the boundary is one thing the next that boundary does not apply and there is another in its place.

I will be presenting on Change and the Power of Choice at the next FAN night at the Focus Seminars building on Tuesday April 7th from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. This is for Focus Graduates only so I encourage you to attend. If you would like more information about Focus and Living the Inspired Life, please visit http://www.focusseminar.com or call (816) 767-8600 for more details.

As a coach and a counselor, Bryan facilitates personal and organizational effectiveness. Mr. Vignery works with individuals, marriages and teams to empower growth, manage change and and reach a higher level of productivity and effectiveness. For more information about Bryan or if you are interested in his services, feel free to contact him for a free consultation.

I have been wrestling with the concept of desire for the months and in that time I have begun reading the book “The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed of” by John Eldredge. Although I’m only partly into the book, he has been confirming many of the thoughts that I have had about the topic of desire. He mentions that people have trouble knowing what they want because they are uncertain about their desire. I connected with this because I remember a day that I had no idea what I wanted. There was an uncertainty of what my desire was at that time. Do you struggle with connecting with your desire? What steps have you taken to connect with your desire?

In today’s marriages the basis of commitment has dissolved to the point of seeing divorce rates soar through the roof. A marital model that focuses on the committment to healthy choices by both individual’s in a marriage will create an environment of intimacy. It is proven that “as partners let go of their efforts to change each other, they become less emotionally reactive, and as a result, change becomes more likely”. The comittment model encourages healthy change in the relationship with a response coming from a Growth Model instead of a Power Model. As couples find themselves working out of a Growth Model, the environment for intimacy is created and the marriage begins to thrive.

For more information or to challenge yourself with a committment model marriage, contact Bryan or view this brochure.