Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas and may the Peace of the Lord be present in your life during this season. As I think about all of the events of 2011 I am led to highlight the concept of giving. This has been a year where I have seen many people give to those in need right here in our local communities. In the midst of the negative that is around us in our world, let us not overlook the many blessings that we can offer to those around us during this time of year. I hope that your Christmas is filled with gifts from God!
Blessings,
Bryan
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. ”You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. (Matthew 7:7-11 NLT)
Trapped in the Silence of Shame
Shame has been discussed since the early part of the Book of Genesis when Adam and Eve exhibited their shame by immediately covering themselves up after the fall. Shame is a natural expression of feeling overexposed in a particular situation or event. There is a point where this shame moves past a healthy shame into what John Bradshaw calls Toxic Shame. As we move through life, we can have a tendency to get caught up and Trapped in the Silence of Shame.
In the below video, Bryan gives a perspective on how we get trapped in this shame and how to start working our way out! This inspiring 40-minute presentation will not only help you understand how we get trapped in shame but will help you have an awareness of how to move past the shame that becomes so toxic in your life.
If you want more information on Bryan and his services, please feel free to contact him through the CONTACT US form or call him at 913-568-8276.
If you would like to download the PowerPoint slides for this presentation you can do so by this link: TrappedInTheSilenceOfShame.
Revealing Truth
I ran across a quote this past weekend that has been rattling in my brain this entire week. When something stays in my mind that long, I need to blog it so here we go!
As I think about the times of significant growth that I have personally experienced, all of those experiences included some type of “revealing truth”. As my false self has diminished and my true self has been illuminated, it has involved root beliefs being changed.
For years I have had many people, books, workshops, programs, sermons, society, government, religion and others sources provide information that has helped me change some of my thought processes. While all of these sources and the information they provide challenged my thoughts, they didn’t necessarily change my root beliefs until I had an experience with them.
So I say all of this to get to the initial quote that prompted me to write this post. “Revelation Changes Beliefs, Information Changes Thoughts”. When I heard this quote it impacted me at a root level. It is not until there is a revealing moment that I really experience root belief change. I can have all of the information in the world, but without revelation, I just change thoughts. Many times these revelations come in the form of victimizations that find me at the end of myself and looking for real answers. As challenging as revelations can be, I say bring them on so I can continue to grow my true self instead of surrendering to my false self!
Respect
One thing that has personally impacted me over the past handful of years is the topic of respect. As I sat on a Southwest flight heading to Boise, Idaho, I was reminded as a teenage girl was asked multiple times to turn off her cell phone because the door to the cabin was shut, that disrespect is all around us. She was one of probably 30 people who had to be reminded to turn off their electronic devices so I’m not trying to pick on teenagers and I’m not discounting the fact that there can be legitimate emergencies that need to be taken care of. Now this may be small on the grand scheme of things but I believe it is a representation of the attitude across many areas of our society.
Maybe you are with me in thinking that there is a lot of disrespect going on in our world today. Families seem to have lost the respect that they once had for each other. Businesses seem to have lost their perspective on respect in the workplace to their employees or vendors. Marriages have seen a steep decline in the respect for each other. People have seemed to lose respect for material possessions and property. What is causing this decline of respect in our culture?
I believe the answer is multi-faceted and very complex although we have to pick a point and start calling out disrespect. The lack of present fathers in the home has contributed significantly to the decline of respect in families. This includes fathers that are physically present but emotionally, mentally and spiritually checked out. Greed and pride has contributed to the loss of respect in businesses by placing profit over people. The lack of commitment based marriages are susceptible to disrespect. And the mindset that we live in a disposable world contributes to the lack of respect for property and possessions.
I remember in my growing up years, disrespect was not an option and would not be tolerated. If I were to blatantly disrespect someone in the home or out of the home, there were significant consequences to my actions. I cannot tell you how many times I have had parents and their teen in my office for counseling and I witness first hand words coming from the teenagers mouth toward the parents that are repulsive and rude. Flat out disrespectful! And the sad thing is that some of the parents do not even see it as disrespect because they have been so desensitized to respect.
How do you see the lack of respect around you? How have you been disrespected by those that are close to you?
The Toxicity of Shame
Last Thursday night I was invited to speak to a Celebrate Recovery night at Life Church in Olathe, KS. The topic that I choose was shame. Below are the notes from that session.
The Compulsive Addictive Cycle Fueled by and Regenerating Shame by John Bradshaw
The Inner Child
We do not choose what family or belief system that we are born into. As we grow through the stages of development, dysfunction and traumas can lock us up emotionally. These events can be shaming events. We start to think that shame is about us instead of what happened to us.
Healthy Shame
- Knowing your limits
- The feeling that lets me know that I’m limited
- Without healthy shame, I’m not in touch with my basic boundaries
- Boundaries utilize the word NO
- An addiction is not being able to say NO
Toxic Shame
- The whole self is fundamentally flawed and defective
- Is no longer an emotion that signals our limits; it is A state of being, A core identity
- Gives you A sense of worthlessness, A sense of failing, of falling short as A human being
- Is experience as an inner torment
Toxic Shame vs. Guilt – a quote from Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
“Abuse creates toxic shame - the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong; but you can repair that – you can do something about it. With toxic shame there’s something wrong with you and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Toxic shame is the core of the wounded child. This meditation sums up the ways that the wonderful child got wounded. The loss of your I AMness is spiritual bankruptcy. The wonder child is abandoned and all alone.”
Cover Up – Compulsive and Addictive Behaviors
One of the ways that we can cover the toxic shame in our lives is to cover it up with compulsive and addictive behaviors. The following list is also adapted from John Bradshaw:
- Ingestive Addictions
- Alcohol/Drugs
- Eating Disorders
- Feeling Addictions
- Rage Addictions
- Fear/Excitement
- Shame
- Guilt
- Thought Addictions
- Detailing
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Activity Addictions
- Gambling
- Sexual Addiction
- Buying (“Shopaholic”)
- Hoarding
- Working (“Workaholic”)
- Exercising
- Watching TV
- Video Game Playing
- Internet Addiction
- Will Addictions
- Addicted to our own will
“…Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12b
True or False
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend about tolerance in our world. I believe we have strayed far away from truth so much that we are blinded as a world by tolerance. The following Sunday after this conversation was had, I was at a service at our church and Pastor Clint throws out this quote:
“We live in a society that has exalted things like tolerance, diversity, peace, and harmony so much that I fear we may value them more than TRUTH.” – Clint Sprague
This started me on a quest throughout the last couple of weeks of looking for the tolerance around me. As a therapist, many of my patients are a reflection of tolerance taken too far. They moved too far from the “truth line” and are struggling with getting back on track. We are not intended to do life alone so getting some feedback from those that we trust can be extremely beneficial.
Let’s take an internal look at tolerance. Each of us have formulated our belief systems through our life experiences, wether good or bad, over the course of our lives. Now I’m not necessarily talking about our moral belief system. I’m talking about beliefs that people subscribe to about people, places, events, self, etc. From the time we were born we have learned some things correctly and some things incorrectly. We have standards that we develop for ourselves and quite frankly. Some of those standards are so far from the “truth line” that we lose our way over a lengthy timeline. I believe that defines a good portion of our world!
Some of us, through this journey, have made radical changes toward a belief system that incorporates God and biblical truth. So let’s get real basic, if we believe in God, why would we tolerate the things that we tell ourselves about people, places, things and especially ourselves? The bible tells us in Genesis 1:27:
So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Do we throw out that “truth line” because we have gotten of course? Do we adjust our “truth line” so it reads that God created some people in his image but not me? Without a “truth line” we do not embrace true joy and peace.
I would like to hear what makes up your “truth line”? What do you find is the best way to get back when you have strayed too far?
Do You Want an Intentional Marriage?
You deserve to be intentional in many areas of your life. One of the areas that I will challenge you in is your marriage. Whether you are married or engaged, your relationship needs time and attention in order to make it successful. Don’t miss this opportunity to examine the effectiveness of your marriage and be more connected and intimate with your spouse.
NAVIGATING MARRIAGE
INTENTIONAL CHOICES MARRIAGE WORKSHOP (download brochure)
Led by Marriage Coaches:
Bryan and Stephanie Vignery
Gary and Christy Kuzmich
Our mission is to assist couples to plot a course through intentional choices that result in action that empowers growth. Today’s marriages need intention more than ever before. With the divorce rate at approximately 50% percent for first marriages, 67% for second and 74% for third marriages, couples need to spend time looking at what is important in keeping marriage fresh and alive! We are committed to helping couples reach a new level of effectiveness in their marriage.
REGISTER NOW
CREATING AND SHARING A MAGNETIC MARRIAGE
Remember why you were attracted to your spouse? Was it magnetic? Today others are looking for radiant marriages that they can model. So what is the attraction power in a marriage? It is knowing who you are as an individual and being committed to a marriage vision and mission that creates radiance! Intentional marriages lead to a deeper level of intimacy and fulfillment that transcends and attracts.
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LOCATION
11100 Ash Street, Suite 100
Leawood, KS 66211
DATE
Friday March 25th 7pm – 10:30pm
Saturday March 26th 8:30am – 2:30pm
Friday March 26th 7pm – 10:30pm
Saturday March 27th 8:30am – 2:30pm
PRICE and AVAILABILITY
Conference Price $395 per couple.
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The Locker Room
There is a quote, from a new movie titled The Grace Card, that was impactful to me. I believe it speaks greatness no matter if you are a believer in God or not. It has the ability to give us a perspective to be a “make-it-happen” man or woman. If we all took on this challenge I believe our world would look a lot different. So often, if you are anything like me, we can get caught in this worldly perspective of presenting all things in a palatable way so we won’t offend anyone around us. As if we are in control of them anyway.
I have challenged many to “get their jersey dirty” and live life 100%. I believe this quote helps us to put that in action. So no more waiting, here is the quote, here is the challenge; “Sunday is the locker room, Monday through Saturday is the game!” Go and get in the game this Monday, find a coach who is going to motivate you and lift you up when you don’t feel like getting up. If we play life as hard as some of us play games, we will no doubt win the game.
Let me know what you are going to do to play the game. What you post just might be a motivator for someone else to get in the game!
The Power of Change
CHOICE: Catalyst for Change
Choice is POWER. Choice is FREE WILL. It can bring us closer to or further from our dreams. Each decision I make points me to the road of success or the path of mediocrity.
Many of us act as if were in rudderless boats drifting in the sea of life. Our destination? Who knows? We arrive wherever the currents and tides take us. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You see, the boat we’re in has a rudder! It can steer us to the shore of success. That rudder is CHOICE. If we use it with intention, we can become the captain of our destiny.
What is your rudder? Is it friends? Is it events? Is it the fixed dysfunctional beliefs of your past? It’s time to challenge your rudder and cast a vision for your life! If you don’t, someone or something with choose it for you!
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to CHOOSE our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl.
Made for Community
We are connectors! We have all been given gifts that are to be used to bring people together in community. When we ignore our gifts we inhibit the flow of connection to each other.
What are your gifts? Are you a healer? Are you a leader? Are you a connector? It is important to identify your gifts so you can fulfill your call in life.
Each one of us plays an important role in our communities. Are you going to step into your role or allow fear to hold you back and rob you of passion? Step up today and embrace the gifts that God has given you.