Trapped in the Silence of Shame
Shame has been discussed since the early part of the Book of Genesis when Adam and Eve exhibited their shame by immediately covering themselves up after the fall. Shame is a natural expression of feeling overexposed in a particular situation or event. There is a point where this shame moves past a healthy shame into what John Bradshaw calls Toxic Shame. As we move through life, we can have a tendency to get caught up and Trapped in the Silence of Shame.
In the below video, Bryan gives a perspective on how we get trapped in this shame and how to start working our way out! This inspiring 40-minute presentation will not only help you understand how we get trapped in shame but will help you have an awareness of how to move past the shame that becomes so toxic in your life.
If you want more information on Bryan and his services, please feel free to contact him through the CONTACT US form or call him at 913-568-8276.
If you would like to download the PowerPoint slides for this presentation you can do so by this link: TrappedInTheSilenceOfShame.
Holiday Stress
Well whether we like it or not the holidays are right around the corner and that means Thanksgiving Dinners, Christmas parties, family visits, in-laws, children’s school functions, Christmas shopping, etc. Are you feeling stressed yet? Let’s look at some of the top stressors during the Holidays and the ways to reduce the stress that can normally happen around this season.
Top Stressors During the Holidays
- Relationships
- Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time, but tensions are often heightened during the holidays. Family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify, especially while spending several days together in the same house.
- On the other hand, facing the holidays without a loved one can be tough and leave you feeling lonely and sad.
- Finances
- With the added expenses of gifts, travel, food and entertainment, the holidays can make a big impact on your budget. It also can impact your peace of mind and be a joy robber during the time of year where joy is to be embraced.
- Overspending can mean financial worries for months to come.
- Physical Stress
- Even the most excited holiday enthusiasts may find that the extra shopping and socializing can leave them wiped out. Being exhausted increases your stress, and creates a vicious cycle in your relationships. Exercise and sleep are good solutions for stress and fatigue and many times they may take a back seat to chores and errands. To top it off, exhaustion makes you more susceptible to colds and other health concerns.
Reducing Stress During the Holidays
- Relationships
- Seek support. Lean on family, friends, religious or community organizations. Also, consider volunteering your time to help others.
- Set differences aside. Accept your family members for who they are. Keep in mind that you are the only person that you can change.
- Learn to say no. People will understand. You can’t do everything. If they don’t understand, let them deal with their expectations instead of you trying to fix them.
- Finances
- Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend and then stick to your budget. Don’t go overboard with a multitude of gifts. Here are some alternatives you could try: Donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange. Keep in mind it’s the relationships in our lives that are most important.
- Physical Stress
- Acknowledge your feelings. Whether you’re sad and lonely or frazzled and frustrated, let it out.
- Be realistic. You can only do so much!
- Plan ahead. Schedule shopping, cooking and visiting so you don’t get caught in a last minute rush.
- Don’t abandon healthy habits. Indulge in moderation.
- Take a breather. Even if it’s just 15 minutes, take some time for yourself.
- Seek support
- Talk about your anxiety with your friends and family. Getting things out in the open can help you navigate your feelings and work toward a solution for your stress. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consider seeing a professional to help you develop coping strategies and better manage your stress.
What is Bothering You?
Those things that bother you about someone else could be just your answer to happiness! What?? Yes, you heard me correctly. Have you ever though about why we find some people annoying? Consider this…things that we find annoying in others may just be a reflection of what we do not like about ourselves!
For example, a person may say:
It is really annoying how Sally is always gossiping about other people.
This person may be projecting, as a defense mechanism, a behavior which they dislike about themselves…gossiping!
Now I’m not suggesting that everything that annoys you about another person is a reflection what you dislike about yourself, but it is interesting to think about. If we can decipher those things that are actually a representation of what we do not like about ourselves, we can be a step closer to the desired happiness after we deal with it!
So, what is bothering you?
The Four Horsemen
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington says there are four attitudes which he has found to predict relationship failure. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When these attitudes are present in a relationship, especially when more than one is present, then there is a very good chance that the relationship will not survive. Here is a breakdown of those attitudes, give yourself an honest look at which one you have a tendency to play in your relationships (either married or dating).
- Criticism: Criticism is the fault finder or the one who judges unfavorably. When you criticize your partner, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making yourself right and your partner wrong. I refer to this as “Character Assassination”. When we criticize we use generalizations such as “you always…”, “you never…” and “you’re the type of person who …”
- Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of disdain or scorn. Contempt attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her. Typical contemptuous comments made by partners include insults and name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery as well as contemptuous body language and tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim and warding off a perceived attack. When partners are defensive they are not open to learning and are also not able to access the vulnerable feelings underneath. Some typical defensive responses are:
- Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
- Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
- Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …”
- Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing.
- Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.
- Whining “It’s not fair.”
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. In the counseling setting I find that men are more prone to stonewall than women are, yet women can also stonewall in their own way. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness. Some typical stonewall responses are stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject and removing yourself physically. Stonewalling is considered to be the most “dangerous” of the four horsemen.
After taking a look at these attitudes, it is easy to see that they can be detrimental to the marriage relationship. If you are struggling with one or more of the above relationship attitudes, it is time to do something about it and get your relationships on a course for success.
What are Your Expectations?
Okay, so we all have expectations. Some are realistic and some are not. My wife should be this. My husband should be this. My children should be behaving differently. I should be farther along in my career by now. People who drive slow should stay out of the fast lane. Do any of these sound familiar?
In the book titled, The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher, there is a statement that has been helpful to me for years about the expectations that I have set in my life. The statement is “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” So many times I have referred back to this quote with much growth and understanding to follow.
Today, I heard another perspective on expectations. The perspective is a formula that says Expectations – Reality = Frustration. I started thinking about all of the times that I get frustrated for one reason or another and started to find this formula to be extremely accurate.
Frustrations in my marriage, in my business, in friendships and with my family have all been rooted in expectations that have not been upheld to my standards. I am the only person that can be accountable for my expectations and for my emotional responses or reactions to the standards not being met.
There is a freedom in setting healthy expectations in relationships. Make this a year of expecting realistically and accepting the reality of the situation. I believe it will add quality to your relationships!
The Committment Model of Marriage
In today’s marriages the basis of commitment has dissolved to the point of seeing divorce rates soar through the roof. A marital model that focuses on the committment to healthy choices by both individual’s in a marriage will create an environment of intimacy. It is proven that “as partners let go of their efforts to change each other, they become less emotionally reactive, and as a result, change becomes more likely”. The comittment model encourages healthy change in the relationship with a response coming from a Growth Model instead of a Power Model. As couples find themselves working out of a Growth Model, the environment for intimacy is created and the marriage begins to thrive.
For more information or to challenge yourself with a committment model marriage, contact Bryan or view this brochure.