Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

I have used the 5 Love Languages book for quite a while and most of you have probably read it (if not go get it). It’s always good to have a reminder…take the profile below:

We learn how to be a mom or a dad by the way we were parented. We learn how to treat our sons and daughters by the way we were treated by our parents. We learn how to be husbands and wives by the way our dads treated our moms and how our moms treated our dads.

Our children are learning in the same fashion that we did!

Some of had great modeling growing up and some of us had less than desirable modeling growing up. What are you going to do about the way you learned about marriage and parenting today?

Investing in oursleves by looking at where we came from can be just the ticket we have been looking for. Since we cannot change or heal what we don’t first acknowledge, it is imparative that we examine our lives if we anticipate to correct our “out of line” ways of doing things. It’s not about blaming our parents in any way; it’s about assuming accountability for what we are doing present day.
What are you going to change today?

Over the past four years the word intention has been a buzz word for me. I decided to look up the word intention today on Websters I was struck by one of the definitions:

“A determination to act in a certain way”.

After reading that I was lead to see what Websters said about determination!

“The act of deciding definitely and firmly. The result of such an act of decision. Firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired end. The resolving of a question by argument or reasoning.”

I believe many people have good intentions and many people with good intentions lack the determination to bring them to fruition. Intention needs result and we get to result through determination. Without result we stay stagnant and limit growth in our lives.

As I hold my son and write this post, I am reminded about the amount of determination and intention that is required to be a parent and a husband. I am determined to commit intentionally to see the results desired in these two areas of my life. What areas of your life are needing intention today?

So I’m sitting in church this morning and the pastor was giving an analogy that made me think of a perspective how we are to be connected to God. I believe we are to live lives that are overflowing.In order for us to overflow with love we have to be plugged in to the love’s source. In the New Testament, Matthew 22:36-40 (New International Version) it paints a clear picture of what life is like when we are “plugged in”.

³⁶“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ³⁷Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

In order for us to love our neighbor as ourselves, I believe we must have God’s love radiating from our lives which comes out of the overflow of us loving ourselves because we let God’s Love invade our hearts!

Bryan,

I can’t tell you how much Gary and I loved meeting with you last Saturday. Thank you so much for making time for us. With the odds stacked against our marriage, we knew we wanted to do everything we could to start things off on the right foot. Knowing in advance which areas of our relationship could be problematic is helping us to work on those things before they become a problem. The process also reminds us how important communication is to a healthy relationship.

Many thanks for your wisdom and insight.

Re and Gary

The Four Horsemen occasionally take their ride through most relationships. When the horsemen are running rampant, couples begin to believe that there is no way they can work out their problems. Couples start to separate themselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially hoping they can resolve their relationship problems somehow outside their marriage. There becomes drastic and detrimental changes in how we see our spouses positive and negative behaviors. I believe this is partly caused by couples believing the lie that society tells us that marriage is based on happiness and not on the foundational commitments that were made on the wedding day. If my spouse is not making me happy then I’m outta here! That statement is a whole other post waiting to happen that I will get to in the future.

When the relationship reaches this point of disconnectedness and isolation, it can involve what Dr. Gottman calls “flooding”. Dr. Gottman refers to flooding as when “you feel overwhelmed and disorganized by the way your partner expresses negativity. Couples can feel flooded by one another by the ways they express complaints. They get hypervigilant about negative things. The body of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals. It may be hard to breathe. Muscles tense and stay tensed. The heart beats fast and seems to beat harder.”

The thing is that once the heart-rate reaches 95-100 BPM adrenaline goes into action and the ability to listen and understand at a level needed to heal the relationship goes out the window. The term “fight or flight” is often used to characterize the circumstances under which adrenaline is released into the body.

So how do we break the cycle of these four horsemen so they don’t take our marriage down a path we don’t want to go? Dr. Gottman believes that repair attempts are a way to break the cycle of the four horsemen. Repair attempts involve talking about your communication styles and the negativity in the relationship. It requires making “I” statements that include variations of the structure, “I feel _______ when _______.” These blanks can be filled in with anything because they are your feelings and other cannot make us feel a certain way. We are in control of what we feel. The “I” statements takes the relationship out of attack mode and allows the couple to minimize the four horsemen. If I’m not blaming, then my criticisms are less, my spouse isn’t as defensive, contempt doesn’t creep in, and there is no need for the stonewalling. In all relationships, learning to accept rather that expect will help to create fewer disappointments and assist in lessening the negativity.

What Dr. Gottman and his colleagues found is that couples who maintain a ratio of five positive moments (interactions) to each negative moment have relationships that last. Marriages that fall below a one to one ratio (.8) usually fail. If we want to get the horsemen out of our marriage, we need to jump on a positive horse and get riding! I challenge you to take on the 5:1 ratio for one week in your marriage and see what happens. You might just be surprised and what changes you see happen when you get intentional in your marriage.

Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington says there are four attitudes which he has found to predict relationship failure. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When these attitudes are present in a relationship, especially when more than one is present, then there is a very good chance that the relationship will not survive. Here is a breakdown of those attitudes, give yourself an honest look at which one you have a tendency to play in your relationships (either married or dating).

1. Criticism: Criticism is the fault finder or the one who judges unfavorably. When you criticize your partner, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making yourself right and your partner wrong. I refer to this as “Character Assassination”. When we criticize we use generalizations such as “you always…”, “you never…” and “you’re the type of person who …”
2. Contempt: Contempt is a feeling of disdain or scorn. Contempt attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her. Typical contemptuous comments made by partners include insults and name calling, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery as well as contemptuous body language and tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.
3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim and warding off a perceived attack. When partners are defensive they are not open to learning and are also not able to access the vulnerable feelings underneath. Some typical defensive responses are:
   • Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
   • Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
   • Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …”
   • Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing.
   • Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.
   • Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. In the counseling setting I find that men are more prone to stonewall than women are, yet women can also stonewall in their own way. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness. Some typical stonewall responses are stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject and removing yourself physically. Stonewalling is considered to be the most “dangerous” of the four horsemen.

After taking a look at these attitudes, it is easy to see that they can be detrimental to the marriage relationship. If you are struggling with one or more of the above relationship attitudes, it is time to do something about it and get your relationships on a course for success.